Sorry I’ve been absent for the past three weeks. A lot has been going on lately.
First and foremost, my step-father-in-law passed away last week. He had cancer several year ago. He beat it. He was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer right before Christmas. He started his first round of chemo 3 weeks ago and his body rejected it so violently he he had a heart attack. Over the course of the following week and a half his body rapidly deteriorated… they put him in a medically induced coma to have more time to figure something out but then his liver failed last Monday and that was pretty much it. After they took him off the ventilator he breathed on his own for several hours, holding my mother-in-laws hand. He peacefully slipped away last Wednesday.
My husband and I spent several days this past weekend with his mother and our family. It was tough but at least I was able to be with my husband this time. I loved my step-father. He was a part of my family for almost 1/2 my life. It is still hard to think of him being gone.
And, while all of this was going on I was also trudging though my first 3 weeks at my new job.
I have not really been focused on my weight – but then, I’ve simply been trying to get through everything one day at a time, one task at a time.
Food is normally a comfort thing for me – when I’m depressed I turn to food to chase away feelings of sadness or stress. This past three weeks have been different. Perhaps there’s just been too much going on or perhaps my mind set was already shifted enough pre-grief and change to keep me buoyed. I didn’t fall-back on bad behavior as I once might have.
I did get a new scale. I don’t know how the measurements compare to the last one so I’m starting fresh when “pounds” are concerned. I’m at 252 now though, according to the new scale, so that’s almost to the 10 lb mark.
I was doing better before the weekend with family. They don’t cook – they do restaurants. That in itself wasn’t so bad but I did indulge in split deserts on three occasions which contributed to a 1.8 lb gain by the time I got home.
I also started drinking soda again when classes started. I was not sleeping. My dreams verged on nightmares and my task list kept me up with little actual time to rest regardless. I wasn’t taking care of myself.
When we got home this week I realized that I have to pull myself together.
It’s not easy starting a new job but this last week – despite everything – I started to glimpse a rhythm. This provides a bit more anxiety relief and a lot less guilt when I find myself to tired to do anything but collapse on the couch with my feet in my husbands lap and my Netflix stream. I have spent much of the last two days catching up on some much needed sleep. I’m feeling much better for it too.
And the loss of my step-father is not going to stop hurting any time soon but it will become easier to breath when I think about him. It’s only been a week but I find I tear up slightly less immediately when thoughts surface. He was a wonderful, giving, genuine person and the world is slightly less in his absence even if only my family recognizes it.
So, I’ll be around more. It’s time to get back to really living… not just getting by… my step-father would have laughed at the melancholy and promptly told me to stop wasting moments better spent.
And while I do not eat seafood – if any of you do, do me a favor and the next time your eating a big plate of crab legs (my step-father’s favorite) and tip your hat to the lost cowboys of the world – the fathers, brothers, and sons who protect those they love with a quiet and often unacknowledged stoicism, live life for all it’s worth but not at the cost of others, respect those that respect themselves with all the loyalty and admiration one can give, and maintain a genuine disposition that unapologetically reminds you that now is all we have so enjoy it and make it count.