Tags
anxiety, confessions, diet, Eating, Fat, freshly pressed, Health, obesity, overweight, stress eating, weight loss
Well, having been in my own little world today – known as “Wallow Wednesday” – I failed to notice that my blog made it to “freshly pressed”. I didn’t realize that this could happen when you’ve only been blogging for over a week.
I’d just gotten into bed and thought I’d check the blog – see how things were going – an hour later I’ve still only made it through 1/5th of the comments received. I broke down into tears reading what you’ve all written – such a wonderful show of support and encouragement. I plan on responding to as many as I can personally but for now – this post should serve as my big freaking thank you – you see… today was an emotional day and I’m a stress eater. Bad combination.
Fortunately, I discovered that complete strangers have the power to make me shove an entire package of ice-cream sandwiches down my garbage disposal (while crying and talking to myself out loud as the cats looked at me with their alarm-faces because they were certain I’d gone a bit insane). Who’d have thought?
Today my husband left for a week long trip during which we’ll have no communication what so ever. Having just moved to our big new city – I am alone… for the first time in a very very long time. It may sound corny and sappy but my husband and I have never gone without contact of some kind for more than a day… in 12 years. His trip will be strenuous and there is a possibility of injury. The whole thing just makes me an anxious wreck. See, it’s times like these when I realize just how frighteningly much I love him and how intricately my entire world is interwoven with his.
That’s not to say I’m the type of woman whose existence and happiness depends entirely on her significant other – I actually quite like time to myself – but, as someone who’s prone to anxiety (anxiety which leads to stress eating), being alone is not quite conducive to my current goals.
What I failed to realize until tonight is that – this is just like the rest of life… a series of tests… of moments in which you stare yourself down and have to hold yourself accountable.
After Husband left I felt a bit Joni Mitchell-y (you know – bed’s too big, frying pans to wide). I laid on couch with a cat (who needed similar comfort) and watched Netflix all morning. I made the mistake of going out to get groceries after lunch and in a fit of dispair and wallow (I told you it was Wallow Wednesday after all) I bought a box of ice cream sandwiches – the 130 calorie “low fat” kind that really aren’t at all healthy for you but are marketed as healthy “alternatives.” I also bought a box of Annie’s chocolate bunny cookies… (these got dumped in trash as well, thank you).
I ate one sandwich when I came home and another after my last phone call with Husband before 5 days of non-communication when I was particularly weepy.
I suppose as binges go – it’s not like I ate an entire bag of mini-rolos (I speak from experience) but mentally – this feels like defeat because it’s hard – so hard – to come back from letting go like that. Especially when every cell in your body is sad and anxious and those yummy melty molecules of sugar and cream seem to coat all those hurtful particles of yourself – if only for a few minutes.
But I’m not alone – not really. The comments I’ve been reading and have yet to go through remind me of that in more ways then one.
Tomorrow is another day: a day to start over again, a day to forgive myself for slipping and move on, a day to recommit and feel empowered by that pledge. Tomorrow will be better.
Thanks to everyone out there for being present, for being supportive… and for keeping me honest.
Jodie said:
Good luck with being apart from your husband for the next few days – you can do it!!
Renee said:
Thanks Jodie.
Jodie said:
Hi Renee,
I’ve nominated you for a “blogger award” 🙂 So this is the link that I’ve made reference to your blog and you can follow the instructions if you wish to continue with it…
Have a great weekend!
Jodie
Renee said:
Wow, thanks, that’s awesome – what an honor!
Marianne said:
Yaay! You´re on your way, Renee. 🙂
k8edid said:
You are not alone at all, dear. Congratulations on Freshly Pressed.
k8edid said:
And we are not complete strangers, now!
Renee said:
True, you’re all more in my head than the majority of people in my life. 🙂
Jazz said:
Discovered your blog yesterday on Freshly Pressed. And read the whole thing. And put you on my Reader. I am smitten with this blog.
Renee said:
Thanks, I appreciate that.
mylifeisthebestlife said:
You’ll make it! I can relate…I would be gutted to go for that long without communication from Husbandio, too. But lean on us and NetFlix…we’ll get you through!
Renee said:
And this totally worked too!
annashortcakes said:
I would be a mess too! I don’t think it sounds crazy at all. Good luck today on keeping your goals. You can do it!
Treasa said:
I can totally relate -my husband was gone for the past two weeks and I gained two pounds! I am definitely an emotional eater. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up too much! Everyone makes mistakes and it’s ok. Just get back on that wagon and don’t look back.
Creative Metaphor said:
You and your husband will be in my thoughts while you’re apart.
Renee said:
>.<
soulspirations said:
food is predictably good, isn’t it? I so relate. And, I would also like to point out the floor is always there for us too….every time I have fallen to the floor, it’s always been there for me, just like food 🙂 Just another perspective. Humans are great too…just less predictable!
Renee said:
Indeed. Indeed.
thetravellingsock said:
Good luck! I understand the anxiety of being apart from your significant other; during the school year, my relationship becomes long distance. It’s stressful and hard and sometimes I really just want a hug. Keep driving towards the light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 Get excited to tell him how well you’ve done while he’s been away in terms of eating and exercise. The thought of making him smile will keep you motivated!
I love your blog already, you’re so inspiring! Keep it up 🙂
Renee said:
Thanks, I will. 🙂
bethie8 said:
Awwwww good luck on making it through with your husband being gone. You can do it without eating a ton of crap LOL. Just keep a bunch of fruits laying around. I’m sure all will be right with the world once your husband returns. Congrats on being freshly pressed that is awesome news!
bedpankarma said:
How wonderful of you to choose loving yourself over a box and bag of sugar. Each day will get easier. ((hugs)) Victoria
Renee said:
Well said.
fatgirlsonlyblog said:
I understand the power of strangers — only mine is in a less positive way. For me it’s more like, that person who is going to check out my groceries is going to judge me because I’m fat and buying X, Y, or Z. Good for your on being freshly pressed! Quite honeslty I’m jealous, how did you do it?! You can check my blog out here: http://fatgirlsonlyblog.wordpress.com/
Renee said:
But you know – they don’t “know” you either – you have to weigh out those judgments and follow your instincts about which ones are right and which ones were made on the south side of someones ass. I think that sometimes that fear of “what would they think” is like my own little Jiminy Cricket – affirming what I should already be telling myself. It’s hard – I don’t want to be one of those people who flips off the person who honks at me in traffic who I CUT OFF to begin with – I want to be accountable. As long as you’re listening and being accountable to yourself and only yourself FIRST – don’t stress about what someone else says who you know doesn’t have a clue about your life. I guarantee they’re buying the same kind of groceries as you are – are pissed that they’re doing it – and flipping you off because really, they’re mad at themselves. (I feel a blog post in here somewhere… I’ve reached my ranty headspace…) 🙂 Take care.
fatgirlsonlyblog said:
Good advice! I’m pretty much to that conclusion (and many more) now and I don’t care what people think anymore. I never thought about that the “Jiminy Cricket” that’s a nice way to put it! Now I buy my organic stuff, mixed with non organic, mixed with my weekly dark chocolate bar without any issue 🙂
Renee said:
Dark chocolate… Yum… Good choice.
lindsey said:
Being an emotional eater is hard! I’ve always been an emotional eater, and when someone tells me I shouldn’t eat something, its all the more encouragement to eat it and more. And I’ve found that as I’ve been counting calories and eating less, I don’t know how to handle myself as well. But you really get to know yourself when you’re bettering yourself. You get to know the real you and how to handle your own situations instead of masking them with food.
Renee said:
I think food is a little like a drug for some of us – or really, to be more accurate – like alcohol. Once you know you have a problem you can begin to change it. That’s what I’m trying to do, one day at a time – it sounds like you are too.