Well, having been in my own little world today – known as “Wallow Wednesday” – I failed to notice that my blog made it to “freshly pressed”. I didn’t realize that this could happen when you’ve only been blogging for over a week.
I’d just gotten into bed and thought I’d check the blog – see how things were going – an hour later I’ve still only made it through 1/5th of the comments received. I broke down into tears reading what you’ve all written – such a wonderful show of support and encouragement. I plan on responding to as many as I can personally but for now – this post should serve as my big freaking thank you – you see… today was an emotional day and I’m a stress eater. Bad combination.
Fortunately, I discovered that complete strangers have the power to make me shove an entire package of ice-cream sandwiches down my garbage disposal (while crying and talking to myself out loud as the cats looked at me with their alarm-faces because they were certain I’d gone a bit insane). Who’d have thought?
Today my husband left for a week long trip during which we’ll have no communication what so ever. Having just moved to our big new city – I am alone… for the first time in a very very long time. It may sound corny and sappy but my husband and I have never gone without contact of some kind for more than a day… in 12 years. His trip will be strenuous and there is a possibility of injury. The whole thing just makes me an anxious wreck. See, it’s times like these when I realize just how frighteningly much I love him and how intricately my entire world is interwoven with his.
That’s not to say I’m the type of woman whose existence and happiness depends entirely on her significant other – I actually quite like time to myself – but, as someone who’s prone to anxiety (anxiety which leads to stress eating), being alone is not quite conducive to my current goals.
What I failed to realize until tonight is that – this is just like the rest of life… a series of tests… of moments in which you stare yourself down and have to hold yourself accountable.
After Husband left I felt a bit Joni Mitchell-y (you know – bed’s too big, frying pans to wide). I laid on couch with a cat (who needed similar comfort) and watched Netflix all morning. I made the mistake of going out to get groceries after lunch and in a fit of dispair and wallow (I told you it was Wallow Wednesday after all) I bought a box of ice cream sandwiches – the 130 calorie “low fat” kind that really aren’t at all healthy for you but are marketed as healthy “alternatives.” I also bought a box of Annie’s chocolate bunny cookies… (these got dumped in trash as well, thank you).
I ate one sandwich when I came home and another after my last phone call with Husband before 5 days of non-communication when I was particularly weepy.
I suppose as binges go – it’s not like I ate an entire bag of mini-rolos (I speak from experience) but mentally – this feels like defeat because it’s hard – so hard – to come back from letting go like that. Especially when every cell in your body is sad and anxious and those yummy melty molecules of sugar and cream seem to coat all those hurtful particles of yourself – if only for a few minutes.
But I’m not alone – not really. The comments I’ve been reading and have yet to go through remind me of that in more ways then one.
Tomorrow is another day: a day to start over again, a day to forgive myself for slipping and move on, a day to recommit and feel empowered by that pledge. Tomorrow will be better.
Thanks to everyone out there for being present, for being supportive… and for keeping me honest.