Tags
So, it seems that when you make a commitment to start acknowledging your weight, you become aware of so many things that you didn’t previously allow yourself to pay attention to. Like, what you look like naked.
Every fat dimple, every half-started roll, every plain of soft flab, and each and every damn stretch mark – they all glare at you accusingly.
I must admit, I’ve gotten really good at not looking at my body.
I’ve been married for 8 years, it’s not like my husband and I don’t have sex or take showers together – because we do. It’s not like no one sees my naked body but me, right? And, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT saying that I haven’t been self-conscious during all those moments of intimacy either.
Trust me, I’m fully aware that if I straighten my back just so that the curve of my waist will be smoother and thus my side roll less obvious to my husbands touch. I’ve figured out that if I keep my mouth closed when my head is back in ecstasy my double chin isn’t so double-y (mirror). I suck in my stomach when I’m getting undressed before a shower and I always wait until my husband has his glasses off before I take off my underwear.
I suppose all these little tricks add up and before long, I even tricked myself… I learned how to hide my fatness behind some fairly flimsy illusions and because the truth is so much harder to stomach – I fell for my own lies.
Now, when I’m really seeing – not looking, seeing – my body, I find that my level of self-consciousness has sky-rocketed.
I hide a lot behind clothing. I dress professionally and appropriately for my weight and age (30) and these habits keep me fairly comfortably in my daily environment. I am conscientious and particular about what I wear but I also don’t tend to obsess about it either so long as I have items that I like and feel good in. The way that I dress de-emphasizes the fact that I’m quite as overweight as I am because the styles I choose are flattering (I watch What Not To Wear and take good mental notes).
So, when stripped bare (emotionally and physically) I find it hard to not look away. I’m making a concerted effort to avoid this – to look – to embrace – and use what I see as motivation to make changes and keep them up.
I don’t like that, all of the sudden, I have a little mental freak out when my husband walks in on me while I’m changing my blouse or putting on pants or – heaven forbid! – getting out of the shower. I demand privacy and shrink from his gaze. It’s not like he hasn’t seen me before but now… now it’s like I’m afraid he’ll start seeing my body like I’m beginning to see my body.
I suppose that this phase will pass – the more I become familiar with my body the more likely I’ll be able to notice changes and that will help keep me motivated. I don’t, however, what to become so acclimated that I begin to fall into the same comfort zone I’ve been in – where I once again don’t really “see” my body anymore.
It’s a delicate balance – this loosing weight thing – between sanity and a complete breakdown.
Losing 100 Pounds 
First of all, congratulations on being brave enough to face your fears, and to do something about your concerns with your weight. I’m sure it will be a difficult, challenging, and amazing experience to improve your health and fitness, and feel more confident in your body!
Secondly, like others above have said, please don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have fat on our bodies, which is necessary for our health, and with that fat comes rolls of all shapes and sizes… and stretch marks. Also, we all have areas of our bodies that we would rather hide away and about which we vow to do something about. It’s all relative. Well done for tackling yours, and I wish you the very best of luck and success! It’s very exciting indeed!
p.s. As you suggest near the end of your post regarding sanity and breakdown, I think the majority of the battle is done inside our heads… followed by having proper nutrition and then a good amount of exercise. You sound like you’re in the perfect place to do this!
Thanks for the encouraging and supportive words. 🙂
I could feel my own emotions in your words…I wish you luck. I’ll be following you now. Maybe we can support each other – I have similar goals.
I’ll check out your blog shortly.
That was a wonderful perspective. Before giving birth to my baby, I would often say, I don’t mind being fat. After giving birth, that’s how I became more and more self conscious. I have too many stretch marks and a long c-section scar; being naked in front of my hubby is a dilemma even though it seems like he doesn’t mind at all. Not to mention that I really gained a lot of weight.
——————–
colorado springs divorce attorneys
Good for you. As someone who has struggled with weight since teenage years, except for a blissful decade in my 30s (when I was still smoking) and pleasant half a decade in my 40s, I can identify so much with your feelings here. This is one thing the internet is so good for: supporting one another across time and space. Thanks for your honesty and best wishes to you and all your commenters.
Thanks for the post! It is really strange how these things happen, especially in regards to us suddenly fearing that our partners are seeing us with new eyes, just as we are seeing ourselves.
In the time that I’ve been with my husband, I’ve gone on the BMI chart from overweight-on-the-border with obese to right in the middle of a healthy weight. It was just a result of stress and a suddenly more active lifestyle, so I have been pleasantly surprised by the change. But, now more than before, I am suddenly aware of what I look like! Intellectually, I KNOW that the angle that I think looks best is just from my point of view, while my husband is getting a totally different view, but, I still worry about it. Also, perhaps it is because I used to be even heavier a few years before I met my husband, my ‘healthy weight’ belly looks a bit fatter than I expected!
I worry that Husband sees through my eyes but then, in bed, I seem to think he does and want him too… such cognitive dissonance.
Thank you for such an honest post.
After losing 70 pounds, I can relate to so much of what you said. All those positions and poses that we get used to that flatten stomachs (falling asleep on my back must look better than my excess skin spilled out if I were to lay on the side), angles that are more flattering, postures that somehow make thighs smaller, etc. I too have had, and still do, those mini mental freak outs if I’m “caught” outside of my “planned” naked routine. It’s that element of surprise mixed with a bit of anger at being caught off guard right at the one time I’m in the worst possible bend or cellulite-revealing pose. (Drying my foot, bent over by a sunny window–the worst!) Even though I’m thinner now, the fat still stays with you, at least mentally.
Thanks again for sharing and letting others know they are not alone, and good luck with your journey!
Totally and completely agree. Congrats on your own weight loss – keep it up. I’ll be checking out your blog shortly.
this self loathing is because of the mindset of society, social meme if I may call it that. this social meme is like a virus that eats away at a person for no reason whatsoever. it spreads readily with contact with infected persons, ti warps the mind/perceptions and destroys the heart. if people didnt make a big deal of fatness then people would not be self conscious about it. we have been taught through countless reminders that fatness means your a bad person, your unhealthy, your sick,your immoral, and to see yourself in a mirror as fat your just reflecting the mindset of this social meme. mind program as it were. being fat doesn’t make you a bad person, but people who look or treat you that way consciously or not, are the bad person for judging another whom they have not known or come to know. so love yourself no matter what and take care of your self no matter what. beleive me I think in many ways like you, I hate mirrors. I shouldn’t, I try to talk myself out of it, but it is a slow deprogram to do so.
rose
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I also know that for me personally it’s not so much about what is socially acceptable or expected – it’s about my health. I want a family. I will have a predisposed hard time having one regardless of weight. BUT – the weight is a factor I can control (or at least try to) and that means that I will have better odds at having a healthy pregnancy for me and my child. I know I’m not a bad person, I know I’m not lazy or a slob or any of the things that certain people associate with obesity and I certainly don’t “loath” myself – but I am realistic. I am “fat” but I don’t see “fat” like some people do – like a lot of people do. Sometimes society can be overly extreme but that doesn’t mean that this extremism doesn’t have a small basis in reality. I’m trying to find out what that reality means for me – to carve out my own niche. I guess in that way I’m trying to deprogram myself too. Best of luck to you.
Really delicate balance here. Beating yourself up about your body is not going to help in any way. I believe that you need to love your SELF no matter what you look like, but also that everyone deserves to experience the body, physique, health and fitness of their dreams. Being fit and healthy is a great feeling and I encourage you to pursue that goal, just remember not to lose sight of the beautiful person YOU are, regardless of the way you currently feel about your physical form. Good luck!
Absolutely love this post. Its so relate-able! Everyone and their mother will tell you to feel confident in your own skin, but its so hard to do that everyday. Great job on your journey so far!
I found it easier to lose weight when I stopped caring what others thought and started liking myself and how I looked. Easier said than done!
I talk about fat prejudice here http://davidrothbauer.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/my-self-esteem-is-not-measured-in-pounds-or-kilos-or-stone-whatever-that-is/
Good job and good luck!
Thanks David, I just started following your blog. 🙂
And I yours!
Good luck and congrats on the FB. I lost about 30 lbs on Weight Watchers a few years ago and went through a lot of the same things. I recently had a back injury and this has prevented me from going to the gym, and already I feel like fatty a-hole because I can see the differences in my body. Just try to remember that no matter how conscious you are of your body NOW, that you look better than you did BEFORE you started losing weight! That helped me get through, and it might help you too. Another thing that helped me was having a very supportive boyfriend that would buy me healthy snacks and eat healthy with me so I didn’t feel like I was missing out by watching him eat a steak while I had small WW portions of plain food. When you hit certain milestones you should ask your husband about the differences he notices in you. Trust me, it feels good when other people notice the weight you’ve lost. Good luck and don’t get discouraged! It takes time and lots of effort but its totally worth it. Losing weight revolutionized my life and it will do the same for you.
I will ask him – first goal is 20 lbs. 🙂
How very honest you are, a pleasure to read,
I only needed / wanted to lose 5kilos so we are not in the same league http://minty95.wordpress.com/2012/07/13/what-a-shitty-year-for-biking-what-a-good-year-for-becoming-fitter-and-losing-weight-and-fat/
but you article is well written and was a pleasure to read, keep up the healthy eating, it will help and pay of in the long term 🙂
What a candid and brave post; your honesty is incredible. I have been there too… having lost 60lbs over 10 years ago and 8 sizes, I remember the difficulty in facing the mirror. One thing I’ve learned even now, is that others (namely my husband) have never seen me the way I see myself. I have had to learn that when someone tells me I look good – or my husband reminds me of how beautiful he thinks I am, he doesn’t see all the things I think are wrong with my body. People mean the kind things they say.
I would encourage you (when you’re ready) to look long and hard at yourself and pick out all the things you love about you. Embrace those things – I’m sure you’ll find many – show off what you love; it can work wonders on your confidence!
Best wishes on your journey. Great post!
Elaine
What sweet words – thank you. And you’re very right – most people really do mean the kind things they say. It’s good to remember than in light of the dissonance I may feel between my own thoughts and those of others. Congrats on your own loss and thank you for the support.
So glad I stumbled upon your post. I am in the exact same boat. I mention my weight and my husband tells me he doesn’t care how big or small I am, he thinks I’m gorgeous and always will. But, for me, when you’re 5’5″ and weigh 264, it really doesn’t matter what he says, I will still only be intimate in the dark and hide behind the shower curtain!
It’s always nice to know you’re loved unconditionally – I just want to feel the same way about my body as my husband does… and making love with the lights on would be nice sometimes too. Ha! 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Its quite bold of you to share such small things. I am struggling with something quite similar on daily basis , lost 10 kilos in one year to gain back 15 kilos in 3 months , how much my Body and Soul has suffered only I know. But seeing you has motivated to share my ordeal too…. I am with u ! All the best!
It is super scary at first – to put yourself out there – but hopefully you’ll find that it can be liberating like I have. Don’t be afraid. Best to you as well.
HI …. i WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO SHARE SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF THAT I POSSIBLY NEVER TALKED ABOUT EARLIER ..BUT NOW FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE DOING. WELL .. I WAS REALLY FAT … I HAD A HUGE BELLY
AND I WOULD OFTEN JOKE ABOUT IT AND CALL IT MY SAFE DEPOSIT VAULT .. AND THOUGH I EXERCISED .. I COULD NEVER LOSE THE BELLY COMPLETELY.
AND THEN I CAME ACROSS CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE AND AUTHORED A BOOK. AND USING THE KNOWLEDGE IN MY OWN BOOK I HAVE NOW LOST QUITE A BIT OF WEIGHT AND AM BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT BETTER. MY CONDITIONS TO GOD WERE THAT I DID NOT WANT WRINKLES, I WOULD NOT DIET OR EXERCISE.
I WAS EARLIER A DIABETIC AND I AM NOT ONE NOW THAT MEANS I GET TO ENJOY SUGAR TOO.
READ MASTERMIND AND ENJOY ALL THESE IN YOUR OWN LIFE TOO AND WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE OF MASTERMIND WITH OTHERS TOO.
Thanks for sharing so honestly…and you had me laughing out loud in Panera 🙂 I’m right there with you sis 🙂 ❤
I just stumbled across your blog on Freshly Pressed. Thank you for sharing such a personal post, your honesty is so courageous. I am looking forward to following your journey. You can do it!!
Congratulations on starting this blog! I am interested in hearing about your progress as you go. Don’t give up!
I’m not overweight, but can honestly say as a woman, we always notice and care about every little detail of our bodies, what’s good and what’s bad. Good luck to you in your endeavors! Be strong and don’t give up!
This post is so amazingly well written that I didn’t even bother checking your other posts before following you. Besides, I want to see how your project goes! Best of luck! And maybe reading about your efforts will help me cut down on the ice-cream…
Thanks, I appreciate that. I’m always a bit overly judgmental about my writing but I made a vow to be more concerned with honesty than anything else. It helps to hear your comment though because that concern is still there. 🙂
I think honesty is key to good writing. Of course there’s spelling and grammar, and you could spend ages trying to find the right words for what you want to say, but really, if it’s not honest, it’s just not going to work. This works. It’s honest, so it’s going to resonate with other people, too. I totally recognised myself in the way you described not really looking in the mirror, and being so clever at choosing clothes that make the love handles disappear, so it looks like you weigh 5 kg less than you really do, and you can go ahead and have a bit of ice-cream because it’s so hot and you don’t have AC, and you’re really not THAT out of shape… I’ve been deceiving myself like that for the past few years.
It’s funny, when I was younger I thought I was fat, when really I was stick-thin with my ribs and hip bones sticking out. But as I got closer to thirty, I somehow grew a self-confidence, and since then I’ve been thinking of myself as “pretty fit” though really, I’ve been getting a bit chubby lately. So this post was an excellent wake-up call… now I just have to resist the temptation to keep hitting “snooze”…
i read this post thinking “oh my god – me too!” – i have been with my husband for 5 years but I still cringe if he puts his arm around my waist in the night and rests his hand on my stomach. However, since having a baby, I’m kind of in awe of my body for the first time in adult life. I beat myself up (not literally) for so many years over all its imperfections and despite all that it did something amazing. I now think it might not look so great but damn, it works well when it wants to. I still don’t let my husband caress my tummy for any length of time though!
Ha! Indeed!
Good for you for becomming and heathier you, but remember that despite what contemporary western culture will have you believe, our looks are not the important part of the human experience. That is the true illusion…a world that makes you feel like your thought-space should be taken up with a broken record of words like “fat” “weight” “scale” “calories.” This isn’t life. Life is being full of joy and happiness. Cheers to you!
Struggling with the extra burden myself, and trying to lose the equivalent of an adolescent child. I’m not spending a lot of time in the mirror, either. The thing that is so bizarre, to me, is how it’s so different looking at fat on a toddler. When I see a toddler with the good, solid legs of my own kids, the ones with at least half a dozen rolls of firm fat under that silky skin, I just want to squeeze those adorable chubby legs. It was also a relief when they grew tall and thin. As much as I love to squeeze those fat babies, I don’t want my kids to struggle the way I have for the past 20 years!
Congrats of FP, and more so on your commitment to yourself.
I wish you all the best and and I know you can do what ever you set your heart to. Blessings.
Just make sure that you are active and if you don’t lose much weight, then at least you know you are healthy (and beautiful!).
I’ll bet your husband thinks you’re beautiful, doesn’t he?
Sadly, I’ve spent many years listening to my husband tell me I’m beautiful and never listening to him, or telling him he’s wrong. It frustrates him. If he says I’m beuatiful, then it’s because he thinks I am. I still want to lose weight, but I’m going to take him at his word even as I do.
I think it’s the specific absence of words like “beautiful” that make me self conscious. Husband tells me I look “nice” or “dolled up” (both reflections of what I’m wearing) or say approvingly “is that new” or “your hair is different today” (again, external reflections but not about my body) but Husband is a man of few words. I think that he means “beautiful” though – he just doesn’t say it… but I always have the feeling that he things I’m beautiful – the me inside – but not so much the package. He never looks at me and makes me feel badly about myself and certainly doesn’t say anything to make me feel bad about myself. I try to listen to what’s between the lines – I never doubt he loves me but I suppose I’m not positive that he thinks my body is as attractive as it was when we met… you know?
You could’nt have said it better! Great blog.
I think most women can sympathize (or maybe empathize) with this post. I feel similarly now that I’m 15 lbs heavier than I want to be, and 25 lbs heavier than I was when my husband of 15 years first met. Good luck with your road to weight loss! We’re all in it together!
Reblogged this on Joy,Temperance, & Repose.
I agree with troismommy, almost all women can relate to this. I haaatteee looking in mirrors. Good luck with your journey, I’m going to be following along 🙂
Keep it up! I’m in the same boat. I gained 70 lbs over the last 7 years through divorce, family issues, stress eating. There I just outted myself!! I had been doing good 2-3 years ago but them my families’ needs became more important than mine and I had been in martial art then injured my back. Thus I packed on about 40 lbs within that span. Last April I decided to lose it for good and here I am still losing and gain 2 lbs. You blog is inspiring to me.
You can do it Jen – I’ve have a lot of heart ache too – haven’t been mentally prepared enough to talk about it on the blog but I will get there soon. I think that a lot of people who have problems with weight have issues that are standing in there way – I’m starting to believe that it’s not a matter of “getting over” the things that hold us back though – like people who don’t get it seem to think – it’s about working through in spite of these things, one day at a time. It really is like an addiction in some ways… you know it’s not good, you don’t feel good about it, and you want to not do it but… in the end… just take it a day at a time… you’ll get there. 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement. As the saying goes, “Slow and steady wins the race”.
Great blog! As i read it, it reminds me of all my weight issues and hangups!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed
The way you articulated your inner struggle was poetic, brave and heart-breaking. I know what this feels like, and for me I was just as critical of my body at 100lbs as I was at 160lbs. It’s an inside job, as it sounds like you know, and–in my experience–until self-loathing is replaced with, at minimum, self-acceptance you can whittle away to almost nothing and still see imperfection and ugliness. Luckily it’s usually not the truth, and not what people who love you see. Feelings aren’t facts. I’m following you now.
Very well put, thank you for your lovely words as well.
Reblogged this on This beautiful life.
Reblogged this on The Book of Moorman and commented:
Definitely an amazing read.
Thanks, I appreciate the support. 🙂
Love the idea of this blog, I think you’re get there before you know it! I actually went through the same process and my ‘unhealthy self’ is becoming a distant memory- thank god!
Yay for you! Congrats – I look forward to that feeling too.
Pingback: Appreciation is in Order | Daily Choices Add Up!
Reblogged this on Heather Webb Summary.